The Not-so-glorious Return of Arthur Pendragon
by tailor31415
Summary: In which Arthur rises from the lake, nearly drowns back into it, and wonders where exactly Merlin is and why exactly he's hanging around some kid prince named Arthur. basically a crack!fic


S5 spoilers. Intended pretty much as a crack!fic. AO3 crosspost

* * *

Arthur always imagined his return would be glorious and epic, as they said these days – a slow rising from the water, Excalibur held loftily above his head as it, and his blond hair, shone in the sunlight.

Though, he only imagined it that way because he also imagined Merlin being there, grasping his hand and pulling him gently from the water, wrapping their arms around each other's shoulders while walking to shore. Instead, however, there was no Merlin, and so he was left floundering in the deep water as he struggled to remember how to breathe properly. It had been more than a thousand years since he last did so, after all.

'Typical Merlin,' he thought as he half-crawled, half-staggered his way to shore, 'Never here when you need him, popping up from some random place when you least expect.' He glanced around, blinking away the water that was stinging his eyes – how odd, considering how long he'd been surrounded by it, that it would hurt now – 'Like those bushes there. Any moment now, Merlin will come stumbling out, grinning and probably crying like a girl from seeing me.'

He reached the shore, however, to find he was still alone and Arthur flopped back to pant up at the sky for several moments. There was water still lapping at his ankles where they were submerged and, for a few moments, his skin felt warmer there. He let himself imagine that Freya and Lancelot were saying goodbye – again, because they had clung to him under the water when he felt himself start to rise and Freya may have cried and Lancelot may have been blinking rapidly.

Breath caught, Arthur rolled over and grimaced at the pinch and pull of his chainmail as he moved. He knew for a fact – mainly through Merlin's daily chats over the years – that clothing was different now and he was going to need to wear something more appropriate for the times.

This was why Merlin needed to be here. Not just because Arthur wanted to see him again, which he of course did, but because Arthur was totally unprepared for this…time. He stared up at the sky for several moments more, and it was much brighter and bluer than he remembered, before he pushed himself up. While Merlin may be completely unreliable, Arthur remembered that he could provide for himself.

Shaking his boot in the water, Arthur cleared his throat and said, "Can you find those clothes from that…" he paused, furrowing his brow, "That 'skinny-dipper'?"

The water lapped at his feet for several moments longer and then the warmth faded from his skin. He waited in silence, fingers playing along Excalibur's hilt, and then grinned when he saw several pieces of fabric floating along the water towards him.

As he watched, he recalled where they came from. It had been several nights before and Arthur had been pacing his way across the lakebed. Freya and Lancelot began exclaiming and tugging at his arms – a common occurrence when anyone intruded on the lake. Sighing, Arthur had turned around and then been shocked at the sight of both a naked man and a naked woman swimming above them. Arthur had stalked off, leaving the other two to coo in appreciation at the two – perverts the both of them – and begun stabbing his sword into the sand, a useful stress-reliever.

Lancelot must have noticed and thought that the stabbing looked more like thrusting, because he approached and made a comment about a different 'sword' of Arthur's and Merlin's bum.

"Shut up, Lancelot," Arthur had snapped, sheathing Excalibur.

Freya and Lancelot exchanged a glanced and giggled in reply – something they always did when Arthur said that, muttering about how much he must miss saying that to Merlin. Arthur had gone on to voice his normal threat against Merlin for sticking him down in 'Avalon' with these two, "Strangle him the first moment I get my hands on him…"

"And then you'll snog him to death," Lancelot finished, as he did every time Arthur said that particular line – which was only once every ten years or so, not often enough in Arthur's opinion.

Arthur had rolled his eyes, "There will be no snogging."

Freya had pointed dramatically above them, "You can't escape snogging, Arthur! It's already here!"

Sighing, Arthur had started to turn away, muttering about sexual deviances, but Lancelot had caught him around the shoulders with a friendly arm. "I thought you were the good one," Arthur informed him.

Lancelot had tugged him close and suggested trading stories about Merlin. "Did I ever tell you about the time Merlin fell right off a stool in front of me, headfirst, and had ended up on his knees with his round, plump…"

"Lancelot!" Arthur had squeaked in reply.

Frowning, the other man had shrugged. As Freya grinned and laughed next to them, Lancelot had mused, "That was Gwaine's favorite story, wasn't it? My apologies, my Lord."

'Incorrigible, the lot of them,' Arthur thought as he reached towards the soggy clothes. "Thank you," he said, splashing his hand through the water as he pushed off the ground. The clothes would be a tight fit – the man had been a scrawny little thing who may or may not have reminded Arthur of Merlin – but they would make do until he found his manservant…well, his friend again.

Glancing around, and grateful to find there were no people around, Arthur quickly made his way over to the bushes that had failed to reveal Merlin and squelched out of his wet boots and soaked chain mail. He stripped down quickly and methodically, as he had after a long day on the battlefield, and pulled on the wet, abandoned clothes instead.

Arthur struggled with them, unfamiliar fastenings confusing him for several moments, but he tried to recall what Merlin had looked like last time he visited the lake. He frowned as he realized it had been quite some time ago – perhaps months even – but what came to mind was indeed helpful.

It had been strange watching Merlin change over the years, well, centuries, watching him go from old to young and back again, watching his shoulders slump further and further with the weight of the world until they would, for some reason, pop back up. They didn't think Merlin was able to see them the same way they saw him – perhaps he couldn't see them at all, from the way he acted – but it wasn't as if they had changed over the years as he had.

Arthur finished tugging on the clothes, shivering slightly as he was surrounded by damp, and he carefully placed his old garments and armor under the bush where they would be hidden from sight. He frowned at his sword, shining brightly in the light as it always did, and pulled back out his old trousers.

He wrapped the material around the sword loosely and formed a sort of strap out of part of one of the legs so he could loop it over his shoulder. Nodding to himself as he rose, he stomped one last time with each foot to adjust to the wet leather of his boots and then started off towards the road.

"Wonderful," he muttered when he reached the dark surface and nearly got hit by a large, strange, rushing wagon. "Thank you, Merlin, for leaving me in a lake for a millennium; thank you for leaving me utterly unprepared for my return; thank you for not showing up when you're supposed to. Oh, what's that, Merlin? I may have died, but you were alone? You left me with a woman who wouldn't shut up about you and a man who was secretly a pervert when he's separated from Guinevere. Sorry if I have no pity for you." He rolled his eyes and scoffed, but then imagined Merlin's face if he said that and sighed. Of course, he wouldn't actually say those things, and he mostly didn't mean them.

There was a loud, sudden noise behind him and Arthur very nearly dived off the road as he jumped to the side. Instead of hitting him, however, the strange wagon rolled to a stop beside him and a man leaned out the front. "Need a ride there?" the man inside asked, and thank whatever god listening that Arthur could understand him through what he suspected was some magical interference.

Arthur gave a half-shrug-nod and waited as the man stared at him. "Well, come around to the side," he ordered, jerking his head over his shoulder.

"Of course," Arthur replied quickly, cautiously moving in front of the wagon.

When he reached the other side, the door was already opened and he clambered up to the seat. "Foreigner?" the driver asked, staring at Arthur expectantly until he realized he needed to shut the door.

"Er…" Arthur started.

"Your accent," the other added, shrugging, "That and you walking on this road. Missed the bus, did you?"

Arthur glanced out the opening before them and instantly regretted it – the speed was nothing compared to a horse and the vantage point was completely different. Squeezing his eyes shut and leaning back, he nodded as stiffly as possible.

"Ah, motion sickness. Always a shame. Here, I'll just turn on the radio," the man said, speaking as if to himself, so Arthur ignored him and pressed further back against the firm material he rested on.

There was motion before him, then a click, then voices filled the space around him. "And, an update for our listeners on our darling young prince. It seems legends are coming to life in this age, Prince Arthur has found a Merlin for a tutor."

"A Merlin, you say?" a man's voice cut in.

The woman spoke up again, "Indeed, sources say the prince's new tutor is a young man named Merlin d'Ealdor. Not much can be found about this man but –"

Arthur's eyes flew open at mention of the name and the rest of the sentence was lost to him as he jerked his head around, searching for the source of the voices. The driver glanced over at him and asked slowly, "Are you alright there?"

"Yes, good," Arthur replied, slowing his movements. "They were just saying…?"

"Oh," he shrugged, "Talking about William and Kate's kid."

Arthur turned to face him, "Oh, really?"

"Sure," he replied, "Everyone's joking about him being the Once and Future King and all. Even got himself a Merlin now, seems like."

"The what?" Arthur exclaimed, clutching at Excalibur where he had laid it next to him.

Narrowing his eyes, the man glanced between the road and Arthur several times before asking, "You aren't an American, are you?"

Arthur shook his head quickly, "No, no, don't even know where that is."

The man laughed and reached for something before them – the voices grew louder and Arthur jerked slightly in the seat. He waited in silence for several moments – silence beyond the music that seemed to be coming from the wagon now – before he asked, "The prince they spoke of…where is he?" It seems finding this prince would lead him to Merlin, and then he'd find out what exactly was so important that Merlin wasn't there when Albion was apparently at its time of greatest need.

* * *

Making his way to Kensington Palace was strangely easily. He was eagerly assisted by several giggling young women – and a few men as well – and it took him less than a day to reach the city where the Palace was located. 'Perhaps magic is on my side,' Arthur thought sardonically as he scaled a wall.

He landed in some sort of green area – too large for a courtyard, so perhaps a garden of sorts – and immediately began looking around for signs of either a prince or his missing Merlin. There was a sound of giggling off to his left and, with a grin shot up to the sky, Arthur crept along some bushes towards the sound.

And found that gangly, big-eared idiot crouched down next to a blond-haired child. "Really, Merlin, really, truly, really?" the boy crowed, tugging on his sleeve.

Merlin grinned at him – and, oh, Arthur hadn't expected his heart to race at the sight – and replied, "Really truly."

"Really truly what?" Arthur asked, straightening up and stepping out from behind the bush.

The boy shrieked slightly and ducked behind Merlin's legs as Merlin turned, hand shooting out in front of his body and eyes starting to glow. "Merlin!" Arthur shouted, ducking.

"Wha…who?" Merlin asked, leaning forward to peer at Arthur.

"That's what I should be asking!" Arthur shouted, hand coming forward to gesture at the boy peeking out at him from behind Merlin. "Who. Is. That?"

Merlin jerked slightly and looked down at the boy. "Well…I thought he was, uh, you? He's Arthur…"

Arthur stared at the boy, who was now glaring back at him. "He looks nothing like me! Was he…" he gestured wildly with his arms, "Born in the lake or something? Grasping a sword when he came out? Why would you think he was me!?"

Swallowing, Merlin shifted slightly, one hand falling to the boy's – younger Arthur's – shoulder. "Well, he's royalty and his name is Arthur and, you know, he does look a bit like you…?"

"Well, obviously, he's not me because I'm me," Arthur replied, crossing his arms and straightening to his full height.

Merlin squinted at him again and bit his lip, "So you say but…well…I may have forgotten how exactly you, uh, Arthur, looked."

Sighing in exasperation, Arthur tugged on the makeshift-strap over his shoulder and quickly unwrapped Excalibur. "There. Does that one have this?" he asked, brandishing the sword before himself.

Merlin's eyes grew wide and he shook his head quickly. "Arthur!" he cried, springing forward.

Shifting Excalibur out of the way just in time, Arthur caught Merlin as the younger, er, older, well, the other man jumped at him. Merlin wrapped around him, arms finding his neck and legs somehow ending up around his waist, and Arthur let his arms come to rest on Merlin's back, holding him up, as the sword fell to the ground. "Sire!" Merlin sobbed in his ear, "Arthur, Arthur, Arthur!"

"There…there…Merlin," Arthur forced out, patting at his back. "Don't cry on me, please."

"Prat," Merlin sniffled as he pushed back to stare Arthur in the face. He released Arthur's waist and lowered his feet to the ground, still leaning all of his weight on Arthur.

"Look at you," Arthur commented, chuckling and brushing at the tears on Merlin's cheeks, "Just a moment ago you thought that boy was me and now you're sobbing all over me. Did you do this when he was born too?"

Merlin's cheeks flushed darkly and Arthur jerked back. Merlin shook his head quickly, "No, no. Of course…of course not."

"God, you're a terrible liar," Arthur groaned, shoving Merlin away against the gripping strength of his arms – Merlin had certainly grown stronger over the centuries.

Merlin ended up directly in front of Arthur and, though they were no longer touching, Arthur could still feel his warmth on his own skin and how he desperately clung to him, surrounding him with Merlin's presence. He swayed back slightly and wasn't even surprised when Merlin leaned forward to follow him.

"Well then," Arthur started, bending around Merlin to grasp at Excalibur's hilt. When he grasped it and straightened up, mouth opening to speak again, he was jerked back by the force of Merlin throwing himself at him again. Rolling his eyes, Arthur resumed his patting of Merlin's back.

He was surprised to feel a thumping against his legs and he peered down over Merlin's arm and shoulder to see the boy – who had been so quiet up 'til now – pounding his fists against Arthur's leg. "No!" he shrieked, "You can't have him!"

Merlin pulled away and sighed softly. "Oh, Arthur," he murmured, crouching down to face the boy. "I'm sorry," he continued, brushing a hand through his hair. "But –"

"No," younger Arthur cut in, bottom lip wobbling along with his voice. He turned to look up at Arthur, "He's my Merlin. Don't take him away." His fingers clenched into Merlin's sleeve, "He's teaching me how to be the greatest king ever and…and someday I'm going to marry him -and he'll be mine forever and ever and ever."

Arthur felt his eyebrows shoot up as he glanced between Merlin and the boy. He couldn't hold in his laughter however and ended up chuckling. "Marriage, Merlin?" he asked between laughs.

Both Merlin and younger Arthur blushed and then Merlin shot Arthur a glare, "Don't."

With a sigh, Arthur turned to the child and crouched down as well. He cleared his throat and put a hand on his shoulder. "Arthur," he started, voice almost cracking at the absurdity of the situation, "Merlin has been waiting a very long time to see me again, and I've been waiting a very long time to see him. He's been," he swallowed, "He's been very sad without me and I know I can make him happy again. Will you let me do that?"

Tears started to fill the little boy's eyes as he shook his head, "But I love him!"

Arthur shot a glance at Merlin – how long exactly had he been spending time with this boy that they had developed such a deep bond – and looked back with a gentle smile on his face. "Merlin is my dearest, oldest friend. We have…I've always thought…" he shrugged and looked at Merlin again. Merlin was grinning at him, the sap. Staring at the ground, Arthur muttered, "He is more than a friend, more than a brother to me."

'Lovely,' he thought as he felt a blush spreading across his own face. He grit his teeth and then, as slowly and subtly as possible, moved his hand over towards Merlin, open with his palm visible. He held his breath for a moment until Merlin's hand slipped into his and squeezed tightly.

Eyes fixed on the ground, Arthur straightened up, Merlin following along, and he smiled down at the boy. He was sniffling and reached out and grabbed at Merlin's other hand. "You'll still come back, right?" he asked, fingers gripping tightly.

Merlin nodded, "Of course! I'm still your tutor. Think of all the magic things I haven't shown you."

A smile broke out on his face and he turned to Arthur and nodded to the man. "Alright, you can have him. But if you make him unhappy, I'm telling my father!" He straightened, chin rising and shoulders settling back, "He's a king, you know."

"Of course!" Arthur replied, "A king always respects another king's wishes." He nodded his head respectfully at the boy, who quickly returned the same gesture, and took a short step back.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Merlin said as they started away, "Say hello to your parents for me!"

Arthur rolled his eyes again. "You didn't think his father was me too, did you?"

Merlin tugged at his hand once, "Of course not. He doesn't have the right name."

Glancing over to see Merlin smirked at him, he shook his head and sighed. "Honestly, Merlin. His eyes were even brown! How could you forget?"

Merlin shrugged and then a frown descended over his features, "It's been so long…half the time I thought I had merely dreamed up what you looked like."

Arthur cleared his throat roughly and swung their clasped hands back and forth. "Well, I'm here now. What's the big problem?"

* * *

Merlin was able to get them out of the Palace rather easily. Arthur couldn't tell if he was using actual magic or if Merlin was just charming his way out, but somehow the other man was able to convince the guards and servants, or whatever they were, that Arthur had come in with him and had some sort of 'security clearance.' Arthur just stayed a few steps back, grinning and shrugging every time someone looked at him in suspicion, especially at the words, "No, no, of course that's not a real sword. A replica, certainly."

Finally out, Merlin reached for his hand again and tugged at it until Arthur was walking by his side. "How'd you even get in?" Merlin asked, very carefully not looking at their hands.

"Well, Merlin," Arthur replied, "It seems the quality of guards around here hasn't improved since my time as King." At Merlin's shocked look, Arthur laughed, "Of course I knew! If even you could sneak past Camelot's guards, there had to be something wrong with them."

Merlin laughed with him and shrugged. "I'm still surprised you got in. There's all sorts of…defenses you couldn't even imagine these days. Even without magic, people are able to see rooms they aren't in, set up boundaries they don't have to guard – they can even look into the past."

Eyes widening, Arthur stared at Merlin in surprise. "Is this why I've returned now?" he asked warily. 'Not sure what I'd do against that,' he thought, 'Sounds worse than Morgana.'

Grinning at him, Merlin shook his head. "No, of course not. Those are all mostly good things." He frowned then, glancing away at the road they were walking, and muttered, "Not exactly sure what you're back for."

"Well, don't sound excited or anything," Arthur huffed out in reply, glancing away sullenly.

Merlin leaned over slightly, jostling his shoulder, and Arthur leaned back. They walked in silence for a few moments, and some people began to approach them from the other direction. Arthur dropped Merlin's hand immediately, feeling a flush spread across his face, and Merlin sighed. "Arthur, things are different now." He caught his hand up again, "People don't care about such things."

Glancing between their hands and the approaching two women, Arthur grit his teeth and raised his chin slightly, back straightening. The women walked by without a comment, merely focused on their own conversation.

Merlin tilted his head to the side as he glanced over, "Alright?"

Clearing his throat, Arthur replied, "Course, yeah, good."

He carefully did not look at Merlin, but he could practically feel the other man rolling his eyes. Merlin let him be, however, for a few moments before he asked, "Where did you get those clothes?"

Glancing down at the red material of the shirt he was wearing and the strange, stiff blue stuff his trousers were made of, Arthur shrugged. "When you didn't show up, had to make do with what was available."

"How was that available?" Merlin asked incredulously, eyes falling to Arthur's boots.

Arthur shrugged, glancing around. "Well…" When Merlin continued to stare expectantly, he sighed. "There are…sometimes in the lake…surely you know, Merlin."

Merlin blinked, "I don't think I do."

"Naked people swim around in the lake sometimes," Arthur finally admitted, glancing at one of those speeding wagons as it went by.

Laughing, Merlin repeated, "Naked people?" He chuckled, "I can scarcely imagine your reaction."

Arthur shrugged, "It's Lancelot and Freya's reaction you should think about." He laughed a bit awkwardly at the thought.

Merlin laughed along for a moment and then his face fell. "Haven't thought about them in a long time," he remarked somewhat sadly.

Glancing out and away, Arthur squeezed their hands together. "I'm sure there's a way for you to see them again. We were able to see you all this time."

Merlin swallowed audibly, "You saw me?"

Glancing back and smiling slightly, Arthur nodded, "Saw you in all those ridiculous things you wore. I particularly liked when you had those puffy sleeves and trousers."

Merlin did in fact roll his eyes this time, "You would."

"Better than a dress," Arthur commented almost idly.

Mouth falling open, Merlin stared at him for several beats until Arthur laughed. "I figured it out – had a lot of time to think. I was joking all those times when you were mucking about with lady's dresses, but then you go and dress up like a woman for real that one time!"

"It was once!" Merlin protested, shoving at him slightly. "It was for your benefit!"

"Lancelot insisted I say this in response to that: You can dress up for my benefit anytime." Merlin gaped at him again and Arthur chuckled and nudged at his shoulder. "Shut your mouth before you start catching flies."

Jaw snapping shut, Merlin stared at him without blinking for several moments and then burst out laughing. "He did not! You're the one who wanted to say that, don't lie!"

Rolling his eyes this time, Arthur sighed. "Didn't lie. Though," he shrugged as nonchalantly as possible, "You could…if you wanted. Maybe that puffy shirt outfit. Or we could find something like your old court outfit – lovely feather hat that was."

Merlin blinked at him again and then laughed once more. "You would want to see that again, clotpole."

"Dollophead," Arthur replied. They grinned at each other happily and settled into a peaceful silence.

And so they continued down that road, hand in hand.

* * *

Disclaimer: None of Merlin's plot/characters/etc belong to me.

Hope you enjoyed! Thanks for reading/reviewing :)


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